It’s taking the first step which is often essentially the most difficult to do.   A lot of people really feel shame over enjoying themselves once again, laughing and socializing. For whatever reason unfortunately we cannot experience worthy of a life of joy if our relative or friend who died can be here.

So. how do you take the initial step?

Grief Support Group. By making usage of a grief support group, you will get strength from the fellow members of the team who are all experiencing your pain! There’s something to be gained through the assistance of your team and if you have not considered this option, it will be worth seeking out a group in your area.

Individual Therapy. If group therapy isn’t your thing but you need qualified guidance you should consider private therapy with someone that specializes in family & grief assistance. Additionally you will find many life coaches who’re skilled in life adjustment who provide information and keep you accountable to moving forward. This option works well with professional people because they relate with this sort of practical experience.

The Buddy System. Look for a buddy that can help move you forward. This can be a family member that’s grieving the same death that you are, or it can be close friends who is aware due to their own life experiences. Most individuals can be a loyal buddy and it doesn’t specifically have to be somebody who has experienced death. Somebody that has lost a job could be a good individual because they would realize bereavement. Another great close friend might possibly be someone who is optimistic, and fun to get along with, this individual will be supportive and understanding.

Explain to your partner that you are researching for positive assistance and that you want to recover and find pleasure once more. For me I clarified that I desire to discuss my friend, because that was comforting, but at exactly the same time I needed to make actions to go ahead with the rest of my life. So be transparent with your close friend what you would like and also how you want their guidance.

Going It Alone. Maybe you’ve thought you would go it alone and that’s OK.  Many of us possess a divine resolve and can “play the cards they’re dealt” (my father uses that term). If you are a loner, so to speak, I admire your resolve and capability to persevere. I simply warn you not to permit all of your emotions for your particular person who died remain bottled up inside if actually you really wish to weep or communicate your emotions in another way. Furthermore , I caution you not to be isolated as an escape from dealing more openly with the saddness.

Balance takes some time and persistence, but comprehending you have support and you’re simply willing to balance out your bereavement, you will see peace of mind and fulfillment again.

Related posts:

1. Grief Counseling: Explore The Benefits Of A Grief Therapist
2. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
3. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief

In The Phantom of the Opera, Erik (the “phantom”) wears a mask to cover the scars that disfigure him- scars incurred by an accident that occurred in years past. Much like the Phantom, many people wear an emotional mask to cover the emotional scars of grief, in some cases, scars that lurk beneath the surface for years.

Within the five stages of grief, denial is a type of emotional mask, whereby a grieving person intentionally suppresses the pain that he or she is feeling, due to a loss.

Denial can be a conscious act of avoidance or it can be a subconscious response to facing the reality that the unthinkable has happened.

Contrasting Grief Induced Denial Trauma Induced Shock

Be careful to differentiate between “denial” and “shock” when speaking about grief.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or violence) the natural response is “shock.” Some experts contend that we go into an emotional cocoon as a means of self-preservation.  We cannot believe that the unimaginable has actually occurred so we shut down emotionally and for a brief time we grapple with the reality of the trauma.

This phenomenon is erroneously referred to as “denial.”

Grief related denial is different.  It is not a “shock” reflex caused by trauma, but, instead, relates to repressing the grief related pain by alleviation or avoidance.

Alleviation: Using Denial To Become “Comfortably Numb”

Dr. Norman Wright, in his work Experiencing Grief, refers to grief as an “uninvited visitor that has overstayed his welcome.”  We want the pain to go away because it has become unbearable.

It is natural for man to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  When we have a headache, we take an aspirin. Coping with grief-induced pain is similar.  We look for ways to make it go away.  As the Pink Floyd song suggests, we try to become “comfortably numb.”

Substance Abuse. Alleviation is like an emotional sort of Tylenol.  Simply put, we invent ways to make the pain associated with moving through the stages of grief go away. Substance abuse including legal drugs such as alcohol and prescription drugs, are common methods of alleviation.  The problem with this method is that it has diminishing returns.  Over time, we develop an increasing dependency on the substance to numb the grief away.

Sexual Misconduct. Others turn to sexual fulfillment to gain temporary emotional relief from their grief. It is not uncommon for certain people to become uncharacteristically, sexually promiscuous following a grief engendering event. However, no matter how hard we try to numb our grief induced pain, it will resurface again and again until confronted.

Avoidance:  Running From Grief Through Denial

Avoidance is a means of escape or “running away” from our grief.

Substitution. This is the “replacement method” to avoiding grief. For example, it is common when a spouse dies for the survivor to quickly enter another relationship to replace the relationship with the deceased. After divorce or break up, the aggrieved person may quickly find someone to replace that which was lost (“rebound effect”).

Minimization. Sometimes a person simply refuses to acknowledge he or she is hurting.  We commonly refer to this as “putting up a brave front.” The aggrieved person wears a “mask of tranquility” to convince themselves and others that they are fine.  But, in reality they are in a state of extreme emotional upheaval.  They say “I’m fine” to others when their hearts are screaming for help.

Regardless of the method of avoidance, we typically find that the grief relentlessly hounds us.

Until we finally deal with the pain of grief and move through the stages of grief past denial, the uninvited guest stays and we grow weary of wearing the mask.

Moving Beyond Denial:  Solutions For Inability To Deal With Grief and Denial

Relying upon the crutch of denial when moving through the stages of grief, only prolongs our suffering and delays the inevitable confrontation with our grief.

Moreover, the emotional turmoil and long-term bio-psycho-social exigencies germane to denying grief can intensify over time.

So how should we respond to grief instead of denying it? Here are some helpful tools:

1. Acknowledge grief. Hurting because of a loss of something or someone is not only a right but a natural human response to loss.
2. Avoid letting other’s dictate a grief timetable. We each move through the stages of grief at different paces.  People tell often advise “get over it” or “move on.” Ignore them. Usually, they their motives are selfish.
3. Express emotions in a healthy manner. Process feelings through journaling, poetry, music, prayer, meditation, talking, counseling, art, crying, shouting, etc. Do not suppress the emotions, but, instead, express them through constructive means.
4. Anticipate an emotional roller coaster. There will be good days and bad ones, good weeks and not-so-good weeks. This is the natural progression of emotional healing. Process grief a “little at a time” taking frequent vacations from the grief as necessary.

Dealing With Grief:  Live In The Present To Avoid Denial

There is an old Chinese proverb that states,

“yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”

There is no time like the present to begin the healing process- so take off the mask of denial and start down the path to dealing with grief, and the stages of grief, toward acceptance and healing.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

Think, for a moment, about your beliefs.

What are some of your beliefs with respect to dealing with grief?

What “shoulds” for handling anxiety, stress and depression were common as you grew up?

I would suggest that you take a moment to write them down.

If you know someone who has experienced loss, you might consider sharing your list with them.  Discuss whether or not these beliefs are healthy (ie help you deal with grief) or destructive (disrupt the natural movement through the five stages of grief).

In the interim, I have taken the opportunity to compile a list of the common myths and realities when dealing with grief.

Myth:  If You Ignore It, You Can Avoid Dealing With Grief

In fact, ignoring the pain of loss will only make it worse in the long run. Dealing with grief purposefully and actively is necessary for healing.

Myth:  I Have To Be Strong To Help My Children Cope With Grief

In fact, it is normal to feel sad, frightened or lonely when dealing with grief.  As a parent or family leader it is important that you model these emotions to your loved ones.  They look to you for a cue as to how to cope with grief.  If you “act strong” they will believe that they must also “be strong.”

This is unhealthy.

Crying or breaking down is not a sign of weakness.  It is a sign of health and healing.  You don’t need to “protect” your family or others by putting on a brave front.

Showing your true feelings helps them and you.

Myth:  If You Do Not Cry, You Do Not Care

In fact, crying is a necessary and normal in the face of sorrow.  But it is not the only healthy response to sorrow.

Not crying might mean that a loved one does not feel the loss as deeply as other loved ones; or, it might mean that they have other ways of feeling the loss or coping with grief.  Whether a loved one cries or not, assume that they too are trying to deal with grief.  They need just as much support and comfort as others.

Myth:  Dealing With Grief Takes A About A Year

In fact, there is no “right” time period to deal with grief.  The time that it takes to cope with loss varies widely from person to person.  In particular, those that have had support moving through the stages of grief will be in a better position to recover more quickly.

Myth:  Moving On Means You’ve Forgotten The Deceased Loved One

The concept of leaving a loved one behind is misleading.  In fact, everyone is traveling toward the same destination.  Death will eventually meet all of us at our appointed time.  The deceased loved one has already arrived at that destination.

So, by moving forward with your life, you are actually moving toward your deceased loved one, not leaving them behind.

Moving forward is not the same as forgetting.

It is healthy and good to adjust to a new life while remembering the good things about your loved one.

Myth:  You Can Help A Loved One Deal With Grief By Not Discussing The Deceased Loved One

In fact, people who are dealing with grief naturally need to talk about the loss in order to learn to cope with the loss.  Grieving survivors will oscillate between wanting to talk about the loss over and over to not talking about the loss at all.

You can often help survivor deal with grief by bringing up the topic.  This gives the grieving person an opening for discussion.  If the survivor does not want to talk, simply move on to another topic.  You have indicated a willingness to talk and the survivor will know he or she has a willing listener at a future time.

Myth:  “I Know How You Feel.”

Not really.  In fact, everyone feels grief in a different way. It is not possible to know how another person is dealing with grief after a loss. Saying “I know how you feel” might be interpreted as patronizing.  Instead, a better course of action is, at the appropriate time, ask “Tell me how you feel.”

When Dealing With Grief, It Is Important To Separate Myth From Reality

Understandably, myths arise over time as social mores for dealing with certain situations become ingrained within a culture.  People look for “shoulds” so they can adapt to awkward situations and not cause embarrassment for themselves or others.

When dealing with grief or helping others cope with loss, it is important to ignore the “shoulds” and deal with each person as they exist.  Ultimately, everyone needs assistance dealing with their grief.  As survivors move through the stages of grief and, ultimately, to acceptance, we need to create opportunities for expression.  Expression of emotions is the key to healing and acceptance.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
3. Five Myths of Grief That Lead to Unnecessary Suffering