I would like to discuss my experiences dealing with grief. I have suffered the loss of a parent, loss of a child and the loss of a marriage. Grieving is a very personal experience for everyone. I have learned that no one can or should tell you how to grieve.
And, that is not my intent here.
Hopefully, this article will explain to you what you are feeling as you suffer the effects of your bereavement.
At some time in life we all feel loss and must find a way to cope with it. Here is a quick overview of the five stages of grief:
The First Stage In Dealing With Grief Is Denial
In this stage, you will refuse to acknowledge the existence of the loss. You will try to rationalize that your life is the same as before the death of a loved one. You will find that you will continue to perform the same rituals that existed before the loss. You will leave the deceased’s room and possessions in place. Any attempt disturb your makeshift shrine or make changes will cause you intense anger.
I have counseled survivors who continue to make extra tea or coffee. You will flashback to happier times Perhaps you may be flashing back to times and conversations in the past with someone, as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.
Anger Is The Second Stage Of Grief
As you are confronted with the reality that your life has changed, you will begin to manifest feelings of anger. This anger can manifest itself in many ways.
You will blame others, including the deceased, for your loss. You will become easily agitated and have emotional outbursts. You will even become angry at yourself as you feel guilt for having the animosity against others. Understand, that these expressions are healthy because the worst thing that you can do is to turn your anger inwards. Releasing the anger is a far better way of coping with grief.
Bargaining: The Third Stage Of Grief
You play “Let’s make a Deal.” You can bargain with yourself, with your God. You will often find yourself offering something to God in exchange for relief from the reality and pain associated with your loss.
You may not even realize that you have entered this stage of grief until someone shows you what you are doing or saying. Often it takes a short period of time to realize that you are bargaining, but it takes a long time to accept it and move on.
Depression: The Fourth Stage of Grief
Grief depression is very likely to occur for all people who are bereaved by a loss. Grief depression should be distinguished from clinical depression (which is a chronic medical condition). The symptoms are nearly the same. You will have feelings of listlessness as well as times of intense lethargy. In either case, it is important to get treatment for depression.
You will often find yourself walking around numb from the feelings associated with coping with grief. You will also experience period of uncontrollable sadness and crying.
Loss of life purpose, guilt and feelings of being punished for some imagined trespass are all symptoms of grief depression. Temporarily, you will be unable to achieve pleasure from activities which you have enjoyed. If your grief depression deteriorates into clinical depression, you might even contemplate suicide.
If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm, please seek professional counseling. In the past, I have used a free web based service called The Samaritans. Email “Jo” and she WILL email you back with understanding and support.
And The Final Stage Of Grief: Acceptance
When you realize that life must to go on, you have moved past grief depression and toward acceptance. You will still think about the deceased loved one, but your emotions will become less and less intense.
You are now coping with grief and you can accept your loss. Your energy will begin to return and you will regain your desire to make, and work toward, goals in the future.
Trust me. I have been there. It will take time, but you will get there. I have counseled clients that have taken anywhere from a few days to several months to make through the stages of grief to acceptance.
They eventually decide that coping with grief is a skill that they can master. Once that decision has been made, they can continue with their own lives. So, understand that it will take some work to move through the stages of grief to the point that you become adept at dealing with the loss of your loved one.
Try to remember the good and minimize the bad, and you will be well on your to dealing with grief.
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