After the loss of a loved ones, you will receive a lot of advice from well meaning friends and relatives about how you “should” cope with grief. I think that it is important to separate the myths from the realities when dealing with grief.
Think, for a moment, about your beliefs.
What are some of your beliefs with respect to dealing with grief?
What “shoulds” for handling anxiety, stress and depression were common as you grew up?
I would suggest that you take a moment to write them down.
If you know someone who has experienced loss, you might consider sharing your list with them. Discuss whether or not these beliefs are healthy (ie help you deal with grief) or destructive (disrupt the natural movement through the five stages of grief).
In the interim, I have taken the opportunity to compile a list of the common myths and realities when dealing with grief.
Myth: If You Ignore It, You Can Avoid Dealing With Grief
In fact, ignoring the pain of loss will only make it worse in the long run. Dealing with grief purposefully and actively is necessary for healing.
Myth: I Have To Be Strong To Help My Children Cope With Grief
In fact, it is normal to feel sad, frightened or lonely when dealing with grief. As a parent or family leader it is important that you model these emotions to your loved ones. They look to you for a cue as to how to cope with grief. If you “act strong” they will believe that they must also “be strong.”
This is unhealthy.
Crying or breaking down is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of health and healing. You don’t need to “protect” your family or others by putting on a brave front.
Showing your true feelings helps them and you.
Myth: If You Do Not Cry, You Do Not Care
In fact, crying is a necessary and normal in the face of sorrow. But it is not the only healthy response to sorrow.
Not crying might mean that a loved one does not feel the loss as deeply as other loved ones; or, it might mean that they have other ways of feeling the loss or coping with grief. Whether a loved one cries or not, assume that they too are trying to deal with grief. They need just as much support and comfort as others.
Myth: Dealing With Grief Takes A About A Year
In fact, there is no “right” time period to deal with grief. The time that it takes to cope with loss varies widely from person to person. In particular, those that have had support moving through the stages of grief will be in a better position to recover more quickly.
Myth: Moving On Means You’ve Forgotten The Deceased Loved One
The concept of leaving a loved one behind is misleading. In fact, everyone is traveling toward the same destination. Death will eventually meet all of us at our appointed time. The deceased loved one has already arrived at that destination.
So, by moving forward with your life, you are actually moving toward your deceased loved one, not leaving them behind.
Moving forward is not the same as forgetting.
It is healthy and good to adjust to a new life while remembering the good things about your loved one.
Myth: You Can Help A Loved One Deal With Grief By Not Discussing The Deceased Loved One
In fact, people who are dealing with grief naturally need to talk about the loss in order to learn to cope with the loss. Grieving survivors will oscillate between wanting to talk about the loss over and over to not talking about the loss at all.
You can often help survivor deal with grief by bringing up the topic. This gives the grieving person an opening for discussion. If the survivor does not want to talk, simply move on to another topic. You have indicated a willingness to talk and the survivor will know he or she has a willing listener at a future time.
Myth: “I Know How You Feel.”
Not really. In fact, everyone feels grief in a different way. It is not possible to know how another person is dealing with grief after a loss. Saying “I know how you feel” might be interpreted as patronizing. Instead, a better course of action is, at the appropriate time, ask “Tell me how you feel.”
When Dealing With Grief, It Is Important To Separate Myth From Reality
Understandably, myths arise over time as social mores for dealing with certain situations become ingrained within a culture. People look for “shoulds” so they can adapt to awkward situations and not cause embarrassment for themselves or others.
When dealing with grief or helping others cope with loss, it is important to ignore the “shoulds” and deal with each person as they exist. Ultimately, everyone needs assistance dealing with their grief. As survivors move through the stages of grief and, ultimately, to acceptance, we need to create opportunities for expression. Expression of emotions is the key to healing and acceptance.
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