In The Phantom of the Opera, Erik (the “phantom”) wears a mask to cover the scars that disfigure him- scars incurred by an accident that occurred in years past. Much like the Phantom, many people wear an emotional mask to cover the emotional scars of grief, in some cases, scars that lurk beneath the surface for years.

Within the five stages of grief, denial is a type of emotional mask, whereby a grieving person intentionally suppresses the pain that he or she is feeling, due to a loss.

Denial can be a conscious act of avoidance or it can be a subconscious response to facing the reality that the unthinkable has happened.

Contrasting Grief Induced Denial Trauma Induced Shock

Be careful to differentiate between “denial” and “shock” when speaking about grief.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or violence) the natural response is “shock.” Some experts contend that we go into an emotional cocoon as a means of self-preservation.  We cannot believe that the unimaginable has actually occurred so we shut down emotionally and for a brief time we grapple with the reality of the trauma.

This phenomenon is erroneously referred to as “denial.”

Grief related denial is different.  It is not a “shock” reflex caused by trauma, but, instead, relates to repressing the grief related pain by alleviation or avoidance.

Alleviation: Using Denial To Become “Comfortably Numb”

Dr. Norman Wright, in his work Experiencing Grief, refers to grief as an “uninvited visitor that has overstayed his welcome.”  We want the pain to go away because it has become unbearable.

It is natural for man to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  When we have a headache, we take an aspirin. Coping with grief-induced pain is similar.  We look for ways to make it go away.  As the Pink Floyd song suggests, we try to become “comfortably numb.”

Substance Abuse. Alleviation is like an emotional sort of Tylenol.  Simply put, we invent ways to make the pain associated with moving through the stages of grief go away. Substance abuse including legal drugs such as alcohol and prescription drugs, are common methods of alleviation.  The problem with this method is that it has diminishing returns.  Over time, we develop an increasing dependency on the substance to numb the grief away.

Sexual Misconduct. Others turn to sexual fulfillment to gain temporary emotional relief from their grief. It is not uncommon for certain people to become uncharacteristically, sexually promiscuous following a grief engendering event. However, no matter how hard we try to numb our grief induced pain, it will resurface again and again until confronted.

Avoidance:  Running From Grief Through Denial

Avoidance is a means of escape or “running away” from our grief.

Substitution. This is the “replacement method” to avoiding grief. For example, it is common when a spouse dies for the survivor to quickly enter another relationship to replace the relationship with the deceased. After divorce or break up, the aggrieved person may quickly find someone to replace that which was lost (“rebound effect”).

Minimization. Sometimes a person simply refuses to acknowledge he or she is hurting.  We commonly refer to this as “putting up a brave front.” The aggrieved person wears a “mask of tranquility” to convince themselves and others that they are fine.  But, in reality they are in a state of extreme emotional upheaval.  They say “I’m fine” to others when their hearts are screaming for help.

Regardless of the method of avoidance, we typically find that the grief relentlessly hounds us.

Until we finally deal with the pain of grief and move through the stages of grief past denial, the uninvited guest stays and we grow weary of wearing the mask.

Moving Beyond Denial:  Solutions For Inability To Deal With Grief and Denial

Relying upon the crutch of denial when moving through the stages of grief, only prolongs our suffering and delays the inevitable confrontation with our grief.

Moreover, the emotional turmoil and long-term bio-psycho-social exigencies germane to denying grief can intensify over time.

So how should we respond to grief instead of denying it? Here are some helpful tools:

1. Acknowledge grief. Hurting because of a loss of something or someone is not only a right but a natural human response to loss.
2. Avoid letting other’s dictate a grief timetable. We each move through the stages of grief at different paces.  People tell often advise “get over it” or “move on.” Ignore them. Usually, they their motives are selfish.
3. Express emotions in a healthy manner. Process feelings through journaling, poetry, music, prayer, meditation, talking, counseling, art, crying, shouting, etc. Do not suppress the emotions, but, instead, express them through constructive means.
4. Anticipate an emotional roller coaster. There will be good days and bad ones, good weeks and not-so-good weeks. This is the natural progression of emotional healing. Process grief a “little at a time” taking frequent vacations from the grief as necessary.

Dealing With Grief:  Live In The Present To Avoid Denial

There is an old Chinese proverb that states,

“yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”

There is no time like the present to begin the healing process- so take off the mask of denial and start down the path to dealing with grief, and the stages of grief, toward acceptance and healing.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief