Dr Keith Manning.com » dealing with grief

Tools For Coping With Grief

Keith Manning — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 05:15:22 +0000

Yes, we must recognize the responsibility for our own happiness.

It’s taking the first step which is often essentially the most difficult to do. A lot of people really feel shame over enjoying themselves once again, laughing and socializing. For whatever reason unfortunately we cannot experience worthy of a life of joy if our relative or friend who died can be here.

So. how do you take the initial step?

Grief Support Group. By making usage of a grief support group, you will get strength from the fellow members of the team who are all experiencing your pain! There’s something to be gained through the assistance of your team and if you have not considered this option, it will be worth seeking out a group in your area.

Individual Therapy. If group therapy isn’t your thing but you need qualified guidance you should consider private therapy with someone that specializes in family & grief assistance. Additionally you will find many life coaches who’re skilled in life adjustment who provide information and keep you accountable to moving forward. This option works well with professional people because they relate with this sort of practical experience.

The Buddy System. Look for a buddy that can help move you forward. This can be a family member that’s grieving the same death that you are, or it can be close friends who is aware due to their own life experiences. Most individuals can be a loyal buddy and it doesn’t specifically have to be somebody who has experienced death. Somebody that has lost a job could be a good individual because they would realize bereavement. Another great close friend might possibly be someone who is optimistic, and fun to get along with, this individual will be supportive and understanding.

Explain to your partner that you are researching for positive assistance and that you want to recover and find pleasure once more. For me I clarified that I desire to discuss my friend, because that was comforting, but at exactly the same time I needed to make actions to go ahead with the rest of my life. So be transparent with your close friend what you would like and also how you want their guidance.

Going It Alone. Maybe you’ve thought you would go it alone and that’s OK. Many of us possess a divine resolve and can “play the cards they’re dealt” (my father uses that term). If you are a loner, so to speak, I admire your resolve and capability to persevere. I simply warn you not to permit all of your emotions for your particular person who died remain bottled up inside if actually you really wish to weep or communicate your emotions in another way. Furthermore , I caution you not to be isolated as an escape from dealing more openly with the saddness.

Balance takes some time and persistence, but comprehending you have support and you’re simply willing to balance out your bereavement, you will see peace of mind and fulfillment again.

The Danger of Denial: How Avoiding Your Grief Can Impede Emotional Healing

Keith Manning — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:23:47 +0000

In The Phantom of the Opera, Erik (the “phantom”) wears a mask to cover the scars that disfigure him- scars incurred by an accident that occurred in years past. Much like the Phantom, many people wear an emotional mask to cover the emotional scars of grief, in some cases, scars that lurk beneath the surface for years.

Within the five stages of grief, denial is a type of emotional mask, whereby a grieving person intentionally suppresses the pain that he or she is feeling, due to a loss.

Denial can be a conscious act of avoidance or it can be a subconscious response to facing the reality that the unthinkable has happened.

Contrasting Grief Induced Denial Trauma Induced Shock

Be careful to differentiate between “denial” and “shock” when speaking about grief.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or violence) the natural response is “shock.” Some experts contend that we go into an emotional cocoon as a means of self-preservation. We cannot believe that the unimaginable has actually occurred so we shut down emotionally and for a brief time we grapple with the reality of the trauma.

This phenomenon is erroneously referred to as “denial.”

Grief related denial is different. It is not a “shock” reflex caused by trauma, but, instead, relates to repressing the grief related pain by alleviation or avoidance.

Alleviation: Using Denial To Become “Comfortably Numb”

Dr. Norman Wright, in his work Experiencing Grief, refers to grief as an “uninvited visitor that has overstayed his welcome.” We want the pain to go away because it has become unbearable.

It is natural for man to seek pleasure and avoid pain. When we have a headache, we take an aspirin. Coping with grief-induced pain is similar. We look for ways to make it go away. As the Pink Floyd song suggests, we try to become “comfortably numb.”

Substance Abuse. Alleviation is like an emotional sort of Tylenol. Simply put, we invent ways to make the pain associated with moving through the stages of grief go away. Substance abuse including legal drugs such as alcohol and prescription drugs, are common methods of alleviation. The problem with this method is that it has diminishing returns. Over time, we develop an increasing dependency on the substance to numb the grief away.

Sexual Misconduct. Others turn to sexual fulfillment to gain temporary emotional relief from their grief. It is not uncommon for certain people to become uncharacteristically, sexually promiscuous following a grief engendering event. However, no matter how hard we try to numb our grief induced pain, it will resurface again and again until confronted.

Avoidance: Running From Grief Through Denial

Avoidance is a means of escape or “running away” from our grief.

Substitution. This is the “replacement method” to avoiding grief. For example, it is common when a spouse dies for the survivor to quickly enter another relationship to replace the relationship with the deceased. After divorce or break up, the aggrieved person may quickly find someone to replace that which was lost (“rebound effect”).

Minimization. Sometimes a person simply refuses to acknowledge he or she is hurting. We commonly refer to this as “putting up a brave front.” The aggrieved person wears a “mask of tranquility” to convince themselves and others that they are fine. But, in reality they are in a state of extreme emotional upheaval. They say “I’m fine” to others when their hearts are screaming for help.

Regardless of the method of avoidance, we typically find that the grief relentlessly hounds us.

Until we finally deal with the pain of grief and move through the stages of grief past denial, the uninvited guest stays and we grow weary of wearing the mask.

Moving Beyond Denial: Solutions For Inability To Deal With Grief and Denial

Relying upon the crutch of denial when moving through the stages of grief, only prolongs our suffering and delays the inevitable confrontation with our grief.

Moreover, the emotional turmoil and long-term bio-psycho-social exigencies germane to denying grief can intensify over time.

So how should we respond to grief instead of denying it? Here are some helpful tools:

Acknowledge grief. Hurting because of a loss of something or someone is not only a right but a natural human response to loss.
Avoid letting other’s dictate a grief timetable. We each move through the stages of grief at different paces. People tell often advise “get over it” or “move on.” Ignore them. Usually, they their motives are selfish.
Express emotions in a healthy manner. Process feelings through journaling, poetry, music, prayer, meditation, talking, counseling, art, crying, shouting, etc. Do not suppress the emotions, but, instead, express them through constructive means.
Anticipate an emotional roller coaster. There will be good days and bad ones, good weeks and not-so-good weeks. This is the natural progression of emotional healing. Process grief a “little at a time” taking frequent vacations from the grief as necessary.

Dealing With Grief: Live In The Present To Avoid Denial

There is an old Chinese proverb that states,

“yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”

There is no time like the present to begin the healing process- so take off the mask of denial and start down the path to dealing with grief, and the stages of grief, toward acceptance and healing.

Grief Counseling: Explore The Benefits Of A Grief Therapist

Keith Manning — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:23:33 +0000

From the day that you were born, you began to die.

Two things in life are inevitable, death and taxes. You can evade taxes, but you cannot evade death.

Even though you intuitively know that everyone must eventually die, it is little consolation where you are looking at your loved one’s casket being lowered into the ground.

As with other major events in life, it is usually a good idea to talk to someone about the death of a loved one.

Grief counseling is the specialized form of therapy that is specifically designed to assist survivors cope with grief depression and loss.

Grief Counseling Helps You Move Forward Through The Stages Of Grief

When your loved one died, you probably were overwhelmed by feelings of loss, hopelessness and depression.

Depending upon the type of relationship that you had with the deceased, that sense of loss may be magnified to the point that you are not able to effectively move through the stages of grief to a point of acceptance of the loss.

It may be necessary to employ the services of a grief counselor to assist you with this process. You cannot imagine forward with your life where the death of your loved one is so fresh in your mind.

The grief counselor is trained to take you by the hand and lead you through this process to a point where you can move forward without guilt, chronic depression and anxiety.

What To Expect From A Grief Counselor

You learn to communicate. The primary tool of the grief counselor is communication. In grief counseling, you will receive assistance in talking about the person who has passed on and discover why your reaction to his or her death is normal or, in some cases, abnormal.

You learn to express your feelings. You will explore the common emotions association with death and dying, including anger, guilt, and depression. It is necessary to talk about the emotions with the grief therapist so that you do internalize your sadness, thereby prolonging your movement through the stages of grief. The grief counselor will encourage and coax you to talk about these emotions, thereby allowing you to move forward at a healthy pace.

You learn to view your loved one in a different light. In addition to finding your true feelings (and ways to express them, your grief counselor will assist you in emotionally separating yourself from deceased loved one, thereby freeing you to move forward. By expressing your feelings and emotionally detaching yourself from the deceased, you have the tools for coping with grief and moving through the stages of grief to a place where you can accept your loved one’s death with a sense of detachment. Where the grief counseling process is successful, you will find that you now have a new relationship with your loved one in that you will be able to look back upon them with the fondness of good times past while minimizing the negative memories.

You learn to function and move forward. Grief counseling will give you the tools to continue to function day to day, even while you are moving through the stages of grief. Even while you are coping with grief, you must continue to function and remain physically as well as mentally healthy. In fact, failure to remain healthy is one of the most likely impediments to dealing with grief you will face.

Grief Counseling Is A Gift That You Give Yourself

Through grief counseling, however, and with the help of a good grief therapist, you will be equipped with the tools to see that you’re your life is not over, it is just different.

I would encourage you to use a grief counselor to explore and express your emotions about your loved one, learn to view the death from a different perspective; and, learn to move forward to a place of acceptance and peace.