In The Phantom of the Opera, Erik (the “phantom”) wears a mask to cover the scars that disfigure him- scars incurred by an accident that occurred in years past. Much like the Phantom, many people wear an emotional mask to cover the emotional scars of grief, in some cases, scars that lurk beneath the surface for years.

Within the five stages of grief, denial is a type of emotional mask, whereby a grieving person intentionally suppresses the pain that he or she is feeling, due to a loss.

Denial can be a conscious act of avoidance or it can be a subconscious response to facing the reality that the unthinkable has happened.

Contrasting Grief Induced Denial Trauma Induced Shock

Be careful to differentiate between “denial” and “shock” when speaking about grief.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or violence) the natural response is “shock.” Some experts contend that we go into an emotional cocoon as a means of self-preservation.  We cannot believe that the unimaginable has actually occurred so we shut down emotionally and for a brief time we grapple with the reality of the trauma.

This phenomenon is erroneously referred to as “denial.”

Grief related denial is different.  It is not a “shock” reflex caused by trauma, but, instead, relates to repressing the grief related pain by alleviation or avoidance.

Alleviation: Using Denial To Become “Comfortably Numb”

Dr. Norman Wright, in his work Experiencing Grief, refers to grief as an “uninvited visitor that has overstayed his welcome.”  We want the pain to go away because it has become unbearable.

It is natural for man to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  When we have a headache, we take an aspirin. Coping with grief-induced pain is similar.  We look for ways to make it go away.  As the Pink Floyd song suggests, we try to become “comfortably numb.”

Substance Abuse. Alleviation is like an emotional sort of Tylenol.  Simply put, we invent ways to make the pain associated with moving through the stages of grief go away. Substance abuse including legal drugs such as alcohol and prescription drugs, are common methods of alleviation.  The problem with this method is that it has diminishing returns.  Over time, we develop an increasing dependency on the substance to numb the grief away.

Sexual Misconduct. Others turn to sexual fulfillment to gain temporary emotional relief from their grief. It is not uncommon for certain people to become uncharacteristically, sexually promiscuous following a grief engendering event. However, no matter how hard we try to numb our grief induced pain, it will resurface again and again until confronted.

Avoidance:  Running From Grief Through Denial

Avoidance is a means of escape or “running away” from our grief.

Substitution. This is the “replacement method” to avoiding grief. For example, it is common when a spouse dies for the survivor to quickly enter another relationship to replace the relationship with the deceased. After divorce or break up, the aggrieved person may quickly find someone to replace that which was lost (“rebound effect”).

Minimization. Sometimes a person simply refuses to acknowledge he or she is hurting.  We commonly refer to this as “putting up a brave front.” The aggrieved person wears a “mask of tranquility” to convince themselves and others that they are fine.  But, in reality they are in a state of extreme emotional upheaval.  They say “I’m fine” to others when their hearts are screaming for help.

Regardless of the method of avoidance, we typically find that the grief relentlessly hounds us.

Until we finally deal with the pain of grief and move through the stages of grief past denial, the uninvited guest stays and we grow weary of wearing the mask.

Moving Beyond Denial:  Solutions For Inability To Deal With Grief and Denial

Relying upon the crutch of denial when moving through the stages of grief, only prolongs our suffering and delays the inevitable confrontation with our grief.

Moreover, the emotional turmoil and long-term bio-psycho-social exigencies germane to denying grief can intensify over time.

So how should we respond to grief instead of denying it? Here are some helpful tools:

1. Acknowledge grief. Hurting because of a loss of something or someone is not only a right but a natural human response to loss.
2. Avoid letting other’s dictate a grief timetable. We each move through the stages of grief at different paces.  People tell often advise “get over it” or “move on.” Ignore them. Usually, they their motives are selfish.
3. Express emotions in a healthy manner. Process feelings through journaling, poetry, music, prayer, meditation, talking, counseling, art, crying, shouting, etc. Do not suppress the emotions, but, instead, express them through constructive means.
4. Anticipate an emotional roller coaster. There will be good days and bad ones, good weeks and not-so-good weeks. This is the natural progression of emotional healing. Process grief a “little at a time” taking frequent vacations from the grief as necessary.

Dealing With Grief:  Live In The Present To Avoid Denial

There is an old Chinese proverb that states,

“yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”

There is no time like the present to begin the healing process- so take off the mask of denial and start down the path to dealing with grief, and the stages of grief, toward acceptance and healing.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

As you are a unique person, you will experience grief and depression in your own unique way.  However, you must also be sure that you are dealing with grief in a healthy way.  Otherwise, you may have positive or negative long-term effects from your bereavement process.

Common Characteristics Of Grief Depression

Normal characteristics of grief related depression include the expected symptoms such as: apathy, lethargy, and sorrow.  Usually, over time, these symptoms will subside as you work though the stages of grief.  However, grief related depression can manifest itself again and again as special occasions and holidays come and go throughout the year.  Each special occasion is another reminder that you will not share another special moment with the loved one again.

Overview Of The Kubler-Ross Stages Of Grief

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross released her Five Stages Of Grief.  The stages were studies and developed as Kubler-Ross worked with terminally ill patients.  These five stages of grief have also been found to apply to the behavior of survivor loved one’s dealing with death of a loved one. To summarize Kubler-Ross’ work, the Five Stages Of Grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance.

These five stages of grief have served as the “gold standard” when discussing the bereavement process of a person suffering from grief related depression.

Distinguishing Grief Depression From Clinical Depression

Let’s face it, whatever the cause, depression hurts.  Not surprising, you may experience the symptoms of depression while you are coping with grief.

However, it is important that you distinguish between grief depression and clinical depression.  Clinical depression is a psychological disorder usually caused by a chronic serotonin deficiency or other chronic psychological condition.

Clinical depression usually requires long-term treatment and care.

Grief is a healthy human response that ordinarily should not be treated with prescription medications or antidepressants.  In fact, such medications can often be counterproductive.  Medications usually delay the necessary work of coping with grief by moving through the stages of grief in a timely fashion.

If you do not deal with natural grief depression, it can devolve into chronic clinical depression.  If you suspect that this is happening to you, do not wait to seek treatment.  Go, immediately, to a qualified bereavement or grief counselor for further evaluation.

Complications In Moving Through The Stages Of Grief Depression

Your success in coping with grief depression will depend on the following factors:

The Circumstances Surrounding Your Loved One’s Passing.  When a loved one dies suddenly and unexpectedly, it will generally take longer to work through the stages of death than if the loved one’s death had been anticipated.

Your Relationship (Or Lack Of Relationship) With The Deceased. Grief depression can be complicated when you did not have the opportunity to say things that needed to be said or heal animosity that developed during a lifetime of living.  You may find it more difficult dealing with grief depression where you had not spoken to the deceased for a long period of time

Your Personality Or Ability To Cope With Grief Depression. If you are already prone to clinical depression or seasonal affective Disorder (SAD), you may find that dealing with grief depression may be more complicated than someone with a more positive personality.

Grief Related Trauma. Be aware that the loss of a loved one is a form of trauma, even if the death is unexpected.  How you cope with grief can have an effect on the scope and extend of this trauma.  If ignored, grief related trauma will stifle your attempts at coping with grief.  You will be unable to move through the stages of grief.  The net effect of this is that you will suffer damaging psychological problems.

Coping With Grief:  How To Deal With Grief Depression In A Healthy Way

Here are some fundamental tips in dealing with grief related depression:

Surround yourself with supportive friends, relatives and groups. I have counseled my clients that this is the best way of dealing with grief depression.  Going it alone is a dangerous and unhealthy idea. You will find that there are discussion groups in your area.  You will also find that there are professional grief counselors in your area should you need to talk with professionals to work through the stages of grief.

Ask a friend to spend time with you, even if its just to take a walk or watching a movie. You will not feel like doing this.  But, it is imperative that you resist the urge to shut yourself up alone and away from your support system.  You should not be embarrassed to ask another person to share their time with you.  Do not deny them the blessing that comes from helping a friend in need.

Find a creative outlet, such as painting or journaling. I have found that painting or drawing is an especially effective method of assisting children in dealing with grief.  For adults, journaling is a good way to recall positive experiences with the deceased as well as document your thoughts and feelings as you work through the stages of grief.  Lastly, should your grief depression devolve into clinical depression, a grief counselor will find your journal especially helpful in formulating a plan of treatment for you.

Create An Online Memorial Or Facebook Page. Recently, I have been counseling families to take advantage of social networking services such as Myspace or Facebook to create an online memorial or meeting place where family members can share and related experienced about the deceased.  This combines all of the tools discussed above:  community, journaling, and scrap-booking.

Inaction Is The Enemy Of Dealing With Grief Depression

Whatever form that it takes, do not be ashamed of the methods you find to deal with grief depression.  When dealing with grief, there is no such thing as “silly.”  There are not “shoulds.”

Doing something is always better than doing nothing.

Related posts:

1. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
2. Grief Counseling: Explore The Benefits Of A Grief Therapist
3. Dealing With Grief: Myths And Facts About Coping With Grief