I vividly remember the agony I experienced during my wife’s miscarriage.  I kept a strong stoic face, but inside I was in pieces.  I know that she was in agony as well and remember the countless tears that we shed together for our unborn child.

It is very important that couples support each other in their suffering.

I can say that, over time, the wounds heal and leave a scar.  Just as a scar is no longer painful, the wounds associated with the miscarriage are not as painful.  However, the scar remains to remind me of the pain that I once suffered.

Even though as a man I still recall the pain associated with my own miscarriage, as a professional I know that there are a number of tools that the aggrieved can use to help ease the pain associated with miscarriage and work their way through the five stages of grief.

Cry for Your Child

Even if your child died before birth, your child still died and you have a right to grieve for that child as much as if the child died many years after birth.  Don not ever be ashamed to shed your tears, even if you do it many months or years after your loss.

Accept Offers of Help

As a Christian, I am familiar with the assistance God granted to his children in the Old Testament.  I am also familiar with the miracles performed by Christ to ease the suffering of his followers.  Many Christians do not realize, that in the 21^st century, God does not work in burning bushes and with angels (usually).  He works by sending other caring individuals to assist us in our times of need.  Do not deprive your fellow man of the blessing that comes from offering assistance to another person in need.

Find a Support Group

Support groups are not places where the aggrieved go to wallow in their misery.  Instead, they are a grief resource where those who are farther along the road to grief recovery can assist those that are new to the path.  Many couples have suffered the pain of miscarriage.  Talking to others is very therapeutic. Check you’re your local hospital, obstetrician or pediatrician.  If you cannot find a local group, you can find a number of miscarriage support groups on the internet.

Keep A Journal

I have found that journaling is one of the most therapeutic exercises that I can prescribe for my clients.  It is an excellent way to express grief and remember your child.  Some people recall happy event, some write about their grief.  Some, even compose poems.  The added benefit of journaling is that it can be a resources to your counselor or therapist should you need professional assistance.

Keep Your Cards and Notes

I think that it is very important to keep and review all of the cards and notes of support that you received during the early days of your loss.  Many of these sentiments are not only heartfelt, but often offer great advice from those who have “been there and done that.”  Unfortunately, during the early days of our loss, we are unable to comprehend or understand the advice given to us by others.

Make a Memory Book

Ultrasound pictures or pictures taken after birth, along with cards and notes, can be included in a memory book.  Often couples who have experienced the loss of miscarriage will keep a pair of socks or a shirt as a remembrance of their child.

Make a Web Page in Memory of Your Child

You can use social networking services like Facebook or Myspace to create a memorial site for your child.  Also, services such as Hubpages, Squidoo and Blogger offer free pages that you can use to set up a memorial site for your child.  This method has the added benefit of allowing friends and family to log in and leave heartfelt comments on the site.  It may also serve as a resource for others who might be experiencing the pain of miscarriage.

Plant a Tree or Flower in Memory of Your Child

I have a cousin who planted a tree in memory of her child. Others have a flower garden as a memorial. Still others have a stone engraved and placed on their property. My husband and I purchase poinsettias in our children’s memory and to decorate our church at Christmas.

Have a Memorial Service

If it is possible, the couple should be able to see and hold the deceased child if possible.  I have had friends that have held their babies, taken pictures.  They cherish those pictures and memories.  Of my other friends, I have had those that chose not to do so and all of them regret it deeply.

Remember Your Child’s Birthday or Due Date

You do not have to have a birthday party or special event, although I know of couples and individuals who do that.  I recommend that you mark the day and make it a day of remembrance and reflection.

Name Your Child

Even if you do not know whether the child was a boy or girl, it is important to select a name for the child.  You can choose a gender neutral name or a name base upon your hope as to the sex of the child.

Miscarriage, like other forms of grief, must be actively addressed.  Grief is not a condition that is to be resisted.  It is a process that helps you to heal.  Incorporate these suggestions into your own grief process to ease the pain and help you move through the stages of grief to a point where you can move forward.

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And, that is not my intent here.

Hopefully, this article will explain to you what you are feeling as you suffer the effects of your bereavement.

At some time in life we all feel loss and must find a way to cope with it.  Here is a quick overview of the five stages of grief:

The First Stage In Dealing With Grief Is Denial

In this stage, you will refuse to acknowledge the existence of the loss.  You will try to rationalize that your life is the same as before the death of a loved one.  You will find that you will continue to perform the same rituals that existed before the loss.  You will leave the deceased’s room and possessions in place.  Any attempt disturb your makeshift shrine or make changes will cause you intense anger.

I have counseled survivors who continue to make extra tea or coffee.  You will flashback to happier times Perhaps you may be flashing back to times and conversations in the past with someone, as though they are here with us now. Introducing someone accidentally by your loved ones name to someone else. They can all be part of this stage.

Anger Is The Second Stage Of Grief

As you are confronted with the reality that your life has changed, you will begin to manifest feelings of anger.  This anger can manifest itself in many ways.

You will blame others, including the deceased, for your loss. You will become easily agitated and have emotional outbursts. You will even become angry at yourself as you feel guilt for having the animosity against others.  Understand, that these expressions are healthy because the worst thing that you can do is to turn your anger inwards. Releasing the anger is a far better way of coping with grief.

Bargaining:  The Third Stage Of Grief

You play “Let’s make a Deal.” You can bargain with yourself, with your God.  You will often find yourself offering  something to God in exchange for relief from the reality and pain associated with your loss.

You may not even realize that you have entered this stage of grief until someone shows you what you are doing or saying.  Often it takes a short period of time to realize that you are bargaining, but it takes a long time to accept it and move on.

Depression:  The Fourth Stage of Grief

Grief depression is very likely to occur for all people who are bereaved by a loss.  Grief depression should be distinguished from clinical depression (which is a chronic medical condition).  The symptoms are nearly the same.  You will have feelings of listlessness as well as times of intense lethargy.  In either case, it is important to get treatment for depression.

You will often find yourself walking around numb from the feelings associated with coping with grief.  You will also experience period of uncontrollable sadness and crying.

Loss of life purpose, guilt and feelings of being punished for some imagined trespass are all symptoms of grief depression.  Temporarily, you will be unable to achieve pleasure from activities which you have enjoyed.  If your grief depression deteriorates into clinical depression, you might even contemplate suicide.

If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm, please seek professional counseling. In the past, I have used a free web based service called The Samaritans.   Email “Jo” and she WILL email you back with understanding and support.

And The Final Stage Of Grief:  Acceptance

When you realize that life must to go on, you have moved past grief depression and toward acceptance.  You will still think about the deceased loved one, but your emotions will become less and less intense.

You are now coping with grief and you can accept your loss.  Your energy will begin to return and you will regain your desire to make, and work toward, goals in the future.

Trust me.  I have been there.  It will take time, but you will get there.  I have counseled clients that have taken anywhere from a few days to several months to make through the stages of grief to acceptance.

They eventually decide that coping with grief is a skill that they can master.  Once that decision has been made, they can continue with their own lives. So, understand that it will take some work to move through the stages of grief to the point that you become adept at dealing with the loss of your loved one.

Try to remember the good and minimize the bad, and you will be well on your to dealing with grief.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Grief Counseling: Explore The Benefits Of A Grief Therapist
3. Dealing With Grief: Myths And Facts About Coping With Grief