In The Phantom of the Opera, Erik (the “phantom”) wears a mask to cover the scars that disfigure him- scars incurred by an accident that occurred in years past. Much like the Phantom, many people wear an emotional mask to cover the emotional scars of grief, in some cases, scars that lurk beneath the surface for years.

Within the five stages of grief, denial is a type of emotional mask, whereby a grieving person intentionally suppresses the pain that he or she is feeling, due to a loss.

Denial can be a conscious act of avoidance or it can be a subconscious response to facing the reality that the unthinkable has happened.

Contrasting Grief Induced Denial Trauma Induced Shock

Be careful to differentiate between “denial” and “shock” when speaking about grief.

Whenever we suffer a traumatic experience (death of a loved one, divorce, job loss or violence) the natural response is “shock.” Some experts contend that we go into an emotional cocoon as a means of self-preservation.  We cannot believe that the unimaginable has actually occurred so we shut down emotionally and for a brief time we grapple with the reality of the trauma.

This phenomenon is erroneously referred to as “denial.”

Grief related denial is different.  It is not a “shock” reflex caused by trauma, but, instead, relates to repressing the grief related pain by alleviation or avoidance.

Alleviation: Using Denial To Become “Comfortably Numb”

Dr. Norman Wright, in his work Experiencing Grief, refers to grief as an “uninvited visitor that has overstayed his welcome.”  We want the pain to go away because it has become unbearable.

It is natural for man to seek pleasure and avoid pain.  When we have a headache, we take an aspirin. Coping with grief-induced pain is similar.  We look for ways to make it go away.  As the Pink Floyd song suggests, we try to become “comfortably numb.”

Substance Abuse. Alleviation is like an emotional sort of Tylenol.  Simply put, we invent ways to make the pain associated with moving through the stages of grief go away. Substance abuse including legal drugs such as alcohol and prescription drugs, are common methods of alleviation.  The problem with this method is that it has diminishing returns.  Over time, we develop an increasing dependency on the substance to numb the grief away.

Sexual Misconduct. Others turn to sexual fulfillment to gain temporary emotional relief from their grief. It is not uncommon for certain people to become uncharacteristically, sexually promiscuous following a grief engendering event. However, no matter how hard we try to numb our grief induced pain, it will resurface again and again until confronted.

Avoidance:  Running From Grief Through Denial

Avoidance is a means of escape or “running away” from our grief.

Substitution. This is the “replacement method” to avoiding grief. For example, it is common when a spouse dies for the survivor to quickly enter another relationship to replace the relationship with the deceased. After divorce or break up, the aggrieved person may quickly find someone to replace that which was lost (“rebound effect”).

Minimization. Sometimes a person simply refuses to acknowledge he or she is hurting.  We commonly refer to this as “putting up a brave front.” The aggrieved person wears a “mask of tranquility” to convince themselves and others that they are fine.  But, in reality they are in a state of extreme emotional upheaval.  They say “I’m fine” to others when their hearts are screaming for help.

Regardless of the method of avoidance, we typically find that the grief relentlessly hounds us.

Until we finally deal with the pain of grief and move through the stages of grief past denial, the uninvited guest stays and we grow weary of wearing the mask.

Moving Beyond Denial:  Solutions For Inability To Deal With Grief and Denial

Relying upon the crutch of denial when moving through the stages of grief, only prolongs our suffering and delays the inevitable confrontation with our grief.

Moreover, the emotional turmoil and long-term bio-psycho-social exigencies germane to denying grief can intensify over time.

So how should we respond to grief instead of denying it? Here are some helpful tools:

1. Acknowledge grief. Hurting because of a loss of something or someone is not only a right but a natural human response to loss.
2. Avoid letting other’s dictate a grief timetable. We each move through the stages of grief at different paces.  People tell often advise “get over it” or “move on.” Ignore them. Usually, they their motives are selfish.
3. Express emotions in a healthy manner. Process feelings through journaling, poetry, music, prayer, meditation, talking, counseling, art, crying, shouting, etc. Do not suppress the emotions, but, instead, express them through constructive means.
4. Anticipate an emotional roller coaster. There will be good days and bad ones, good weeks and not-so-good weeks. This is the natural progression of emotional healing. Process grief a “little at a time” taking frequent vacations from the grief as necessary.

Dealing With Grief:  Live In The Present To Avoid Denial

There is an old Chinese proverb that states,

“yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that is why they call it the present.”

There is no time like the present to begin the healing process- so take off the mask of denial and start down the path to dealing with grief, and the stages of grief, toward acceptance and healing.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief
3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief

I vividly remember the agony I experienced during my wife’s miscarriage.  I kept a strong stoic face, but inside I was in pieces.  I know that she was in agony as well and remember the countless tears that we shed together for our unborn child.

It is very important that couples support each other in their suffering.

I can say that, over time, the wounds heal and leave a scar.  Just as a scar is no longer painful, the wounds associated with the miscarriage are not as painful.  However, the scar remains to remind me of the pain that I once suffered.

Even though as a man I still recall the pain associated with my own miscarriage, as a professional I know that there are a number of tools that the aggrieved can use to help ease the pain associated with miscarriage and work their way through the five stages of grief.

Cry for Your Child

Even if your child died before birth, your child still died and you have a right to grieve for that child as much as if the child died many years after birth.  Don not ever be ashamed to shed your tears, even if you do it many months or years after your loss.

Accept Offers of Help

As a Christian, I am familiar with the assistance God granted to his children in the Old Testament.  I am also familiar with the miracles performed by Christ to ease the suffering of his followers.  Many Christians do not realize, that in the 21^st century, God does not work in burning bushes and with angels (usually).  He works by sending other caring individuals to assist us in our times of need.  Do not deprive your fellow man of the blessing that comes from offering assistance to another person in need.

Find a Support Group

Support groups are not places where the aggrieved go to wallow in their misery.  Instead, they are a grief resource where those who are farther along the road to grief recovery can assist those that are new to the path.  Many couples have suffered the pain of miscarriage.  Talking to others is very therapeutic. Check you’re your local hospital, obstetrician or pediatrician.  If you cannot find a local group, you can find a number of miscarriage support groups on the internet.

Keep A Journal

I have found that journaling is one of the most therapeutic exercises that I can prescribe for my clients.  It is an excellent way to express grief and remember your child.  Some people recall happy event, some write about their grief.  Some, even compose poems.  The added benefit of journaling is that it can be a resources to your counselor or therapist should you need professional assistance.

Keep Your Cards and Notes

I think that it is very important to keep and review all of the cards and notes of support that you received during the early days of your loss.  Many of these sentiments are not only heartfelt, but often offer great advice from those who have “been there and done that.”  Unfortunately, during the early days of our loss, we are unable to comprehend or understand the advice given to us by others.

Make a Memory Book

Ultrasound pictures or pictures taken after birth, along with cards and notes, can be included in a memory book.  Often couples who have experienced the loss of miscarriage will keep a pair of socks or a shirt as a remembrance of their child.

Make a Web Page in Memory of Your Child

You can use social networking services like Facebook or Myspace to create a memorial site for your child.  Also, services such as Hubpages, Squidoo and Blogger offer free pages that you can use to set up a memorial site for your child.  This method has the added benefit of allowing friends and family to log in and leave heartfelt comments on the site.  It may also serve as a resource for others who might be experiencing the pain of miscarriage.

Plant a Tree or Flower in Memory of Your Child

I have a cousin who planted a tree in memory of her child. Others have a flower garden as a memorial. Still others have a stone engraved and placed on their property. My husband and I purchase poinsettias in our children’s memory and to decorate our church at Christmas.

Have a Memorial Service

If it is possible, the couple should be able to see and hold the deceased child if possible.  I have had friends that have held their babies, taken pictures.  They cherish those pictures and memories.  Of my other friends, I have had those that chose not to do so and all of them regret it deeply.

Remember Your Child’s Birthday or Due Date

You do not have to have a birthday party or special event, although I know of couples and individuals who do that.  I recommend that you mark the day and make it a day of remembrance and reflection.

Name Your Child

Even if you do not know whether the child was a boy or girl, it is important to select a name for the child.  You can choose a gender neutral name or a name base upon your hope as to the sex of the child.

Miscarriage, like other forms of grief, must be actively addressed.  Grief is not a condition that is to be resisted.  It is a process that helps you to heal.  Incorporate these suggestions into your own grief process to ease the pain and help you move through the stages of grief to a point where you can move forward.

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Two things in life are inevitable, death and taxes.  You can evade taxes, but you cannot evade death.

Even though you intuitively know that everyone must eventually die, it is little consolation where you are looking at your loved one’s casket being lowered into the ground.

As with other major events in life, it is usually a good idea to talk to someone about the death of a loved one.

Grief counseling is the specialized form of therapy that is specifically designed to assist survivors cope with grief depression and loss.

Grief Counseling Helps You Move Forward Through The Stages Of  Grief

When your loved one died, you probably were overwhelmed by feelings of loss, hopelessness and depression.

Depending upon the type of relationship that you had with the deceased, that sense of loss may be magnified to the point that you are not able to effectively move through the stages of grief to a point of acceptance of the loss.

It may be necessary to employ the services of a grief counselor to assist you with this process.  You cannot imagine forward with your life where the death of your loved one is so fresh in your mind.

The grief counselor is trained to take you by the hand and lead you through this process to a point where you can move forward without guilt, chronic depression and anxiety.

What To Expect From A Grief Counselor

You learn to communicate.  The primary tool of the grief counselor is communication.  In grief counseling, you will receive assistance in talking about the person who has passed on and discover why your reaction to his or her death is normal or, in some cases, abnormal.

You learn to express your feelings. You will explore the common emotions association with death and dying, including anger, guilt, and depression.  It is necessary to talk about the emotions with the grief therapist so that you do internalize your sadness, thereby prolonging your movement through the stages of grief.  The grief counselor will encourage and coax you to talk about these emotions, thereby allowing you to move forward at a healthy pace.

You learn to view your loved one in a different light. In addition to finding your true feelings (and ways to express them, your grief counselor will assist you in emotionally separating yourself from deceased loved one, thereby freeing you to move forward.  By expressing your feelings and emotionally detaching yourself from the deceased, you have the tools for coping with grief and moving through the stages of grief to a place where you can accept your loved one’s death with a sense of detachment.  Where the grief counseling process is successful, you will find that you now have a new relationship with your loved one in that you will be able to look back upon them with the fondness of good times past while minimizing the negative memories.

You learn to function and move forward. Grief counseling will give you the tools to continue to function day to day, even while you are moving through the stages of grief.  Even while you are coping with grief, you must continue to function and remain physically as well as mentally healthy.  In fact, failure to remain healthy is one of the most likely impediments to dealing with grief you will face.

Grief Counseling Is A Gift That You Give Yourself

Through grief counseling, however, and with the help of a good grief therapist, you will be equipped with the tools to see that you’re your life is not over, it is just different.

I would encourage you to use a grief counselor to explore and express your emotions about your loved one, learn to view the death from a different perspective; and, learn to move forward to a place of acceptance and peace.

Related posts:

1. Grief Depression: Coping With The Stages Of Grief
2. Grief Counseling
3. Dealing With Grief? Let’s Review The Five Stages Of Grief