I vividly remember the agony I experienced during my wife’s miscarriage.  I kept a strong stoic face, but inside I was in pieces.  I know that she was in agony as well and remember the countless tears that we shed together for our unborn child.

It is very important that couples support each other in their suffering.

I can say that, over time, the wounds heal and leave a scar.  Just as a scar is no longer painful, the wounds associated with the miscarriage are not as painful.  However, the scar remains to remind me of the pain that I once suffered.

Even though as a man I still recall the pain associated with my own miscarriage, as a professional I know that there are a number of tools that the aggrieved can use to help ease the pain associated with miscarriage and work their way through the five stages of grief.

Cry for Your Child

Even if your child died before birth, your child still died and you have a right to grieve for that child as much as if the child died many years after birth.  Don not ever be ashamed to shed your tears, even if you do it many months or years after your loss.

Accept Offers of Help

As a Christian, I am familiar with the assistance God granted to his children in the Old Testament.  I am also familiar with the miracles performed by Christ to ease the suffering of his followers.  Many Christians do not realize, that in the 21^st century, God does not work in burning bushes and with angels (usually).  He works by sending other caring individuals to assist us in our times of need.  Do not deprive your fellow man of the blessing that comes from offering assistance to another person in need.

Find a Support Group

Support groups are not places where the aggrieved go to wallow in their misery.  Instead, they are a grief resource where those who are farther along the road to grief recovery can assist those that are new to the path.  Many couples have suffered the pain of miscarriage.  Talking to others is very therapeutic. Check you’re your local hospital, obstetrician or pediatrician.  If you cannot find a local group, you can find a number of miscarriage support groups on the internet.

Keep A Journal

I have found that journaling is one of the most therapeutic exercises that I can prescribe for my clients.  It is an excellent way to express grief and remember your child.  Some people recall happy event, some write about their grief.  Some, even compose poems.  The added benefit of journaling is that it can be a resources to your counselor or therapist should you need professional assistance.

Keep Your Cards and Notes

I think that it is very important to keep and review all of the cards and notes of support that you received during the early days of your loss.  Many of these sentiments are not only heartfelt, but often offer great advice from those who have “been there and done that.”  Unfortunately, during the early days of our loss, we are unable to comprehend or understand the advice given to us by others.

Make a Memory Book

Ultrasound pictures or pictures taken after birth, along with cards and notes, can be included in a memory book.  Often couples who have experienced the loss of miscarriage will keep a pair of socks or a shirt as a remembrance of their child.

Make a Web Page in Memory of Your Child

You can use social networking services like Facebook or Myspace to create a memorial site for your child.  Also, services such as Hubpages, Squidoo and Blogger offer free pages that you can use to set up a memorial site for your child.  This method has the added benefit of allowing friends and family to log in and leave heartfelt comments on the site.  It may also serve as a resource for others who might be experiencing the pain of miscarriage.

Plant a Tree or Flower in Memory of Your Child

I have a cousin who planted a tree in memory of her child. Others have a flower garden as a memorial. Still others have a stone engraved and placed on their property. My husband and I purchase poinsettias in our children’s memory and to decorate our church at Christmas.

Have a Memorial Service

If it is possible, the couple should be able to see and hold the deceased child if possible.  I have had friends that have held their babies, taken pictures.  They cherish those pictures and memories.  Of my other friends, I have had those that chose not to do so and all of them regret it deeply.

Remember Your Child’s Birthday or Due Date

You do not have to have a birthday party or special event, although I know of couples and individuals who do that.  I recommend that you mark the day and make it a day of remembrance and reflection.

Name Your Child

Even if you do not know whether the child was a boy or girl, it is important to select a name for the child.  You can choose a gender neutral name or a name base upon your hope as to the sex of the child.

Miscarriage, like other forms of grief, must be actively addressed.  Grief is not a condition that is to be resisted.  It is a process that helps you to heal.  Incorporate these suggestions into your own grief process to ease the pain and help you move through the stages of grief to a point where you can move forward.

Related posts:

1. Do You Have Kids That Are Grieving The Death Of A Pet?
2. Grief Counseling ? A way to ease your pain
3. Dealing With Death – The Pain of Parting